Hi everyone and sorry for a delay between posts. First, a quick update on my last 'Life Updates' Post. After many tests, and being poked and prodded in ways I personally don't enjoy, I got the typical good news/bad news from the doctors. Bad news, I have some very suspicious lesions. Good news, they were found early, nothing has spread and we take treatment one step at a time. If you don't mind, I will leave it there for now as I want to focus on the positives. :) By the way, thanks to all of you who sent along well wishes!!!
With the release of my last short story, I've had many questions and good conversations with some of you about the swinger lifestyle. Yep, Bob. You are the top of the list with our Twitter messages!
Some of the questions were: Do Lilly and I really swing? How close to reality are my stories? How close to real was the last short story? LOL. I get it, I get it. Before I answer, I will say I reserve the right to some secrets. :) However, I've answered many of these in some of my author bios and it doesn't hurt to reiterate them.
1. Yes, sort of and limited. I'll explain more on that later (another post) but the short version is yes, we have done some swinging.
2. The places I describe are real. We travel a lot and I do like to add that element of truth to each story. The people are completely fictitious. Like all authors, I do find elements of reality leaking into my stories but I am careful to not recreate any real life characters. For example, Drive In Threesome didn't happen the way described. There was no reunion, those people didn't exist. But, I did have a threesome at a drive in with a college girlfriend and her roommate. That formed the basis of my story. Another way to look at this is. I've had sex, sex is great but the reality is it can only happen a few ways (Lot's if you are into the Kama Sutra but stick with me.) So, when I write about sex (or any author who is not a virgin), there is that element of 'reality'.
Another question I've been asked is, 'How can my significant other and I get into swinging?' In a way, that very question is what got me started writing these books. The truth is, it depends on the couple and for this post, I will focus almost exclusively on couples.
Lilly and I took many years getting into the lifestyle. That is just who we are and what worked for us. Time, discussion and fantasizing. Again, much of what I write will be what works for us or worked for us. Of course with a healthy smattering of what we've learned from others. The first thing is know yourself and know your relationship. Lilly and I both enjoy sex and neither of us considered ourselves 'affair' people. Both important to note.
1. Never, never, never force your loved one into a situation if they resist. It is sad how many people we've met where one of the couple tricked or coerced the other into a swinging or swapping situation. Many clubs and get together's stress the 'No means No' rule.
2. Communication: Talk before and after your activities. Part of the fun is sharing. One of the issues is hiding truth. For example, you are having sex with someone else. If it was good say so. A lie doesn't make your partner feel better. Especially if they are in the same room and could tell you got off.
3. Along with communication, talk about what you will and won't allow. Some couples draw the line at kissing. They will do everything else but kissing is too personal. Others at oral sex. It really depends on comfort level. Yes, one partner may be fine with more but always go with the person who is least comfortable. For example, Lilly loves giving head but wasn't comfortable if another woman gave it to me. Our first few experiences we stuck to that rule. As comfort levels grew she found it really wasn't a big deal to her. I was one of the people who didn't want to see their partner kiss another. I was fine with everything else but that felt like it crossed a line into 'relationship'. Over time, my comfort level grew and I told her it was fine. Those may sound silly to an outsider but trust me. Those little things are critical.
Last thought before I end this entry. I recently read an article on the CNN web-site about couples who've gone through an affair. The gist of the article was that while the 'wronged' party suffered but so did the person having the affair. Over the years I've read many articles and talked to some experts about poly amorous relationships and affairs. I have more to say on this but I don't want to drone on. I'll leave it at this. Affairs are hurtful to all involved because there is lying and deceit. Couples in the lifestyle don't lie to each other, they don't hide sexual encounters. Instead, most of the happiest couples share those times together.
More later. As always, I love to hear from you.